5 bars, £23.67p, 2 hours, 1 mission - to find a husband

So my search for love in the big city continues. We've tried the gym, the supermarket and even introducing my own brand of smoothies since milkshakes been such a success for Kelis, and yet still nothing.

Everyone says, don't look for him, he'll find you. but then I thought... screw that! If we're both not looking then we'll never find eachother, hence the need for The Hubby Hunt. So last night, I went out with my friend who we'll call The Socialite. He knows everyone and wears super extra small size t-shirts to blend in with the other tight t-shirt boys who are similarly struggling to move since the t-shirt tightness has cutoff the circulation of blood around their bodies as they drink their low calorie, low carb and overall rank tasting vodka lime and soda.

So we've decided to hit 5 bars. We've got £23.67p between us and 2 hours to spare, but I think we can do it!

The first bar we hit is The Box. The Box contains a good level of hotties combined with a tight small space and tight tshirts, which means that you're generally squashed up against a gym hottie. The stock of blokes usually consists of muscleheads, muscle marys, bears and surprisingly 2 twinks who must have got lost on their way to Ku bar. The socialite gets a vodka, lime and soda whilst I have a vodka redbull, which i'm told is high in carbs and sugar! After a sip of the drink, I inform the barman that you can barely taste any alcohol so he throws in a couple of extra shots in each of our drinks, and after finishing the drink, the selection of husbands appears better...but still no-one that really looked at me or made me smile like The One does....ok enough mention of The One. We've moved on....

The Box Summarised:
% of hotties: 37%
Drink prices: Reasonable for central London, yet not great still
Husband Match: No
Age Range (excluding the lost Ku Bar boys): 24-45
Pretentiousness Level: 8.5/10
Duration Spent at This Bar: 37 mins
Bar Service Speed: Slow

So, next destination is Profile Bar. This Gaydar owned bar has a nice mix of cute lads, normal guys and business type men. There are also a few women scattered around and the pizza at the bar also helps (although again The Socialite does not approve of me eating the 7 slices whilst waiting to be served). There are some very hot bar staff but most are straight or Brazilian! Husband material: I get approached by a ginger guy whilst The Socialite is in the bathroom- now, what was he thinking? Seriously! Short, ginger, about 42 years old and with the worst chat-up line "Do you go to the gym?" Did he need to question it? So I respond with "No!' and shuffle to the right to get away from him. We decide to have 2 orange juices here since we're both a little dizzy from our drinks at The Box and could not risk getting too drunk and pulling a minger.

Profile Bar Summarised:
% of hotties: 16% (most of which are bar staff)
Drink prices: The soft drinks were pricey and having seen the price of cocktails, i'd say too expensive
Husband Match: No
Age Range: 21-36
Pretentiousness Level: 7/10
Duration Spent at This Bar: 24 mins
Bar Service Speed: Very Slow

...ok so Next Stop is Rupert Street

Similar to The Box and Profile, I quite liked the way that people could stand outside of the bar. Apart from my hot Czech friend behind the bar, the staff aren't the prettiest but friendly. So we have a quick search for a husband and I head to the bathroom to pee while The Socialite gets some drinks in. The toilets here are a little confusing. I wait for the cubicle since there is a row of men clearly perving on eachother as they pee, and it made me realise that i'm not going to find a husband here. After peeing in the cubicle and washing my hands I return to The Socialite where he's holding 2 drinks that he explains have been bought for us by a colleague of his. That's great since we're on this budget, however he clearly has not listened to the drinks that I like as he passed me the vodka, lime & soda.

Rupert Street Summarised:
% of hotties: 4.7%
Drink prices: Expensive (even though we didn't pay!)
Husband Match: No
Age Range: 25-45
Pretentiousness Level: 5/10
Duration Spent at This Bar: 14 mins
Bar Service Speed: Fast

...We leave here and then head to Barcode. Now I wouldn't normally go to this bar since it's notorious for it's bears and older men, but thought I might find an American tourist who got lost on his night out and is sat on his own waiting for me to arrive. But any signs of any hot American tourists? No. After having a quick look around and The Socialite uses the bathroom, which appears to be the biggest feature of this bar, we leave. Note that big hairy men are not attractive for me.

Barcode Summarised:
% of hotties: 0%
Drink prices: Didn't stay long enough to see
Husband Match: No
Age Range: 100+
Pretentiousness Level: 2/10
Duration Spent at This Bar: 6 mins
Bar Service Speed: Didn't want to stay long enough to see

We then decide that these 'regular' bars aren't doing anything for us so we embarrassingly head to G.A.Y bar where we're made to feel old against the 16 year old boys that are grinding to J Lo. We get some cheap shots in and down them as we' running out of the bar. It made me think what's with this generation of campness? Does it mean that in 10 years time The Box will be full of camp 26 year olds dancing to Girls Aloud who at that time will still be in the charts because these camp little queens keep buying their records.

G.A.Y. Bar Summarised:
% of hotties: 0%
Drink prices: Shots were cheap
Husband Match: No
Age Range: 12-21
Pretentiousness Level: 2/10
Duration Spent at This Bar: 4mins
Bar Service Speed: Ok

So to conclude, we have £4.83 remaining in budget, 35 mins left on the clock, but no husband. But it made me realise that I possibly could have had that ginger freak, that hairy bear or 12 year old twink, but I didn't want them. That's what's more important. And when the right one comes along, i'll know...

So tonight, I will be heading to The HustlerBall in Vauxhall. I have a costume (I don't want to give too much away!) which, should I have the confidence to wear it, should provide me with sufficient attention from prospective husbands!...Wish me luck!


Tip of the Day: Avoid bears, twinks and gingers...